Them Sheep!

Posted by Unknown
It happened in December. Suddenly, I couldn't sleep. I was an insomniac. 


Such a chronic one that it started scaring my friends. Some asked me to count sheep, others asked me see a doctor. One advised me to get drunk and pass out. 


The last one, actually, was the only plan that worked for me. 


I blamed it on my job. The hours. The lack of hours. The timings. The lack of timing, rather. 




It went on for three months. The constant tiredness. Nodding off in the bus, five minutes before the stop where I would have to get down. Then the long and painful nights, some of whom were used for constructive purposes; but mostly whittled away wondering what was wrong with me and how to fix it. 


Then suddenly, towards the end of April, it all went back to normal. Eight hours a day. And everyday at that. 


The results: Fell behind on my reading, fell behind on my to-watch list, couldn't run in the mornings anymore, got increasingly more bored in office, started waking up early, started getting to office early, bus rides became longer, train rides became insufferable, sounds were clearer and more deafening etc etc. 


Today. I haven't slept yet. 

The results: Went for a walk, started reading again (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo), sat up and thought about writing about this, sat up and wrote about this, made myself breakfast, read the paper, didn't count sheep, finished watching a series that I had wanted to watch. Oh I don't know. 




If those sheep and doctors had done any permanent damage to me, I wouldn't be writing this. 


I can complain I guess. And I probably will also. But have to admit, being an insomniac is probably one of the best things that can happen to somebody. Imagine all the extra hours you get!


(Image courtesy: http://bioweb.uwlax.edu)
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So THAT is Australia!

Posted by Unknown
Yes. I work at a good enough place. Good enough for them to send me to Australia for three days.

Now. I've never been to Australia before, or anywhere else outside India for that matter. Hell, I just got my passport a couple of months back as part of my ground-breaking Project MMXI. 


So it was that one fine night, I got to Brisbane airport.


First impression: Looks like a nice place. (Day 1, 2031 hrs, Location: Airport/On road to Caloundra)




Why? People smile at you. The roads are clean. There is this strange silence that I've never experienced before. What IS that? Then it hits me! Nobody here honks!

Yes goddammit! You heard me, people there don't honk. They put on their indicators, stick to their lanes and let other people pass by. Fucking brilliant I say!


Second impression: I could live here. (Day 2, 0843 hrs, Location: Breakfast buffet @ Oasis Rdyges Hotel, Caloundra.)



 What more could you ask for? The people are nice, the weather is nice, there is a beach nearby, and the beach has benches where you can sit and forget everything! 


And the food. Steak and bacon and hash browns and (sigh)... Here, I might actually put on some weight for once!


A dream come true for any lazy ass. 


Third impression: They'll kill me if I stay here too long (Day 2, mid-morning to late night, Location: In and around Caloundra.)




Ah, you don't know what it is like when you hear it on TV, or watch in that movie. Being in the moment while you're being racially abused, well, is.. you know, funny!


Disclaimer: I DO NOT take pride in being an Indian, or being brown skinned, or being born a Hindu etc. I also DO NOT aspire to or want to be like an Aussie, American, Espanyolish Amigo or haughty Englishman. 


Hence, I really do not get racism.

I found it funny that these people were so quick to judge me, shout at me, wave their fingers (read finger) at me and stare at me without even giving me a chance. I mean, who's the bigger man here? Me, and I never would've thought that I would have the privilege! So there!


Fourth impression: No place is perfect I suppose. (Day 3 + Day 3 and 1/2, Location: Caloundra/Brisbane.)





Look at us in India. We can barely put up with each other. We have stereotypes about language, tradition and all that nonsense. 


Now. You take the same people, put them in a different continent, and have them give shit to the local population. What do you get? Racism of course. Aussie people, I do understand how you feel about my brethren. 


It's just sad that you thought I was one of the multitudes. You can obviously tell from my aura of awesomeness that I'm different. Then why?!


But. In the end, I suppose you're never comfortable with any place. There are assholes everywhere. Question you've to ask is whether you're willing to put up with all of them just to be there. 


Is the bacon and steak really worth it? Is the lack of sound pollution worth it? Are the pretty women worth it? 


Questions, confounding questions. 
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Super-Cool Shit They Should Have Invented: Part 1

Posted by Unknown
I'm no scientist.. Yes, there was a time when I thought I was that smart. But my maths teacher and those repeated exams laid that theory to rest.. 

But sometimes I wish I was smart.. Coz these dumasses that parade around as smart don't invent cool shit anymore.. I mean, OK, Ipod is great. Move on! Don't come out with ten versions of it!

(Sigh) All the things cool people like you and I could've invented if we were smart.. (Yes, my reader, you're cool because you're reading this now, and you're definitely not smart since, well, you're reading this)


There is one thing I'd desperately like to invent: 


Eye camera 

I'm sure there is a conspiracy behind this one. Them photographers will be out of a job if this technology was ever invented. 






I mean, how many times did you see that sunset while on the road, or a bird's silhouette against the evening sky and wish you could have captured that forever? And them photographers are never around when you need them either. They're busy shooting cars from different angles. Yeah, we've seen them a thousand times buddy! Get a life!

Anyhow, getting to the point. What if you could actually convert your eyesight into an image file and remember it forever? That would be one awesome kick-ass invention. I can also think of several ways how it can be misused, but hey, we're human beings, that's how we roll. 


But hey, for every time I stood somewhere, saw something great, took a deep breath, and wished I had a camera, or that I could remember it exactly the way it was forever, or show it to someone else, I'm willing to take that risk..

So smart people. Where you at?


(Image Courtesy: howstuffworks.com)
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My Time Machine To-Do List

Posted by Unknown
I don't understand Hollywood. All those movies with time machines in them, and nobody could manage to do something interesting with them.


Michael J. Fox made out with his Mom, Guy Pearce tried to bring his wife back from the dead, John Cusack and co. took another chance at their miserable childhood, Ben Affleck bought himself a lottery ticket, oh the list is endless AND frustrating.




For all that intellectual depth and Save-The-World nonsense that they so flamboyantly showed in other movies, they did not do one single thing worth noting.. But hey, can't blame them. Poor bastards were probably caught unprepared.


But not me. No sir! I shall endeavour to put together a Time-Machine To-Do list, just in case I happen to come across/use/fall-into/get-sucked-into one...


And it shall follow:


1. Tell Jesus what his priests are upto 2000 years later..
2. Tell Buddha that there are two branches of Buddhism these days..
3. Find out if any of that shit in the Mahabharatha is actually true..
4. Go to 1938 and tell Adolf Hitler how the war will end..
5. Go meet Anne Frank..
6. Stay in Harappa for two months and learn the local language...
7. See Egypt under Cleopatra... (Find out how they managed to build them pyramids also..)
8. Watch how Alexander managed to talk to the Indians..
9. Go see a mammoth / T-Rex...
10. Witness Berlin Wall destruction...
11. Tell them Indian kings what the British will be up to the moment they set up base.. (Not that it'd make too much of a difference!)


I'm pretty sure there were more. Periodical writer's block, what can I say! To be updated as and when inspiration strikes.. 


(Image courtesy: Vistawallpaper.org)
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The Common Man's Guide on How to be an Idiot: Part 1

Posted by Unknown
Truth be told, I wish I was not the person who was destined to write this series. But, after all the shit that this friend of mine gets into, I can no longer sit by idly and not write about it.
The Common Man's Guide on How to be an Idiot: Part 1: How to screw up while buying electronics!


 We all buy electronics. If you're a common man though, you make sure you get the best deal out of it. If you are too bored of that; if you want more excitement in your lives; if you need funny stories to tell your friends while you're drinking because you're too boring to think of other interesting  conversation topics, read on: 

Screw-Up #1: Being the economical one: 
If all electronics were built to last until they were deemed unworthy, then they would all be like Tom Cruise's sunglasses in Mission Impossible 2. They will self-destruct in 5 seconds. 


Hence, if you really wanna look like an idiot, be stingy. Buy the cheapest thing available, from the nearest store possible. To put some effort into it would be a crime!

Case in Point: This, uh, friend of mine wanted a laptop. So he went to Dell's website which allows you to customize as much as you want. 


Now it is fun when you put all the high-end stuff while customizing and end up with a bill that roughly comes up to how much you  make a year. 


Ok. Let's be fair here. We common men have limitations. But, what's NOT advisable is going for the cheapest stuff that Dell offers (I'm sure even they're embarrassed that they put that stuff on their site now)... 


Result: In roughly a couple of months, no program will work on your lappy. It will hang so much that you'll find yourself going to office just so that you don't have to stare at that blank screen anymore.. 

Screw-Up #2: Jumping the Gun:
NEVER ever buy something without trying it out, and making sure that it is indeed what you want. 


This same friend that I was talking about once went to buy headphones. 


Now, for the uninitiated in headphones, the best ear-plugs out there is probably Creative's EP-630. It looks like this: 
Now, what do you do if the vendor says he doesn't have EP-630, but has EP-830 (which btw is also more expensive)?

Well, usually people would ask to see it and try it out. But not me. Er, I mean, not that friend of mine. He went ahead and bought it. 

Result: Turns out the one that he bought is half the length of the EP-630 and doesn't reach from his ears to his jeans pocket. I mean, this guy is 6 feet 4. (Weird huh? So am I!) Those headphones now have a good time sitting on his shelf. 

They're also occasionally used to hang bananas from the hook on the roof.  

Screw-Up # 3: 'I trust ALL cheap stuff'
Alright, I'll let you all in on a secret. Cheap stuff are cheap because of a very obvious reason. Apparently, they're not made to last.. 

Even worse, some of them are not even built to work at all.. They just sit there inside their pretty casings just waiting.. Waiting for a colossal idiot to walk by.. 

And on your lucky day, it could just be this friend of mine.. Case in point: An mp3 player this guy bought.. 

Guy: This thing is cheap. It does work right? 
Vendor: *grunt*
Guy: Awesome. You're awesome! I love Ritchie Street!

24 hours later:
Guy: Dude, this shit don't work!
Vendor: *grunt* = I'm not taking it back if it doesn't work fuck-wit. Ha ha ha!

So there. Now you have a better idea how to make an idiot out of yourself. Keep reading for more interesting fields to fuck up in.. So long now!

(Images courtesy: volksdepot.co.uk, snpi.dell.com)
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Happy New.... Oh fuck that shit!

Posted by Unknown
Enough! Enough with the messages. The pings. The mails. 

Enough with the hand-shakes and the cakes. Booze is exempted. Not that anybody is bringing me any. 

Let's face it. This year is going to suck just as bad as the last one. It has to. The last time people said 'Happy' to me so many times, I ended up having 12 shitty months.. 

My resolutions evaporated in less than 10 days I think. So no. Not again.

Better idea. No more resolutions. I shall have projects. Realistic. Not generic. And doable. Yes. Totally doable!

Project list for 2011:

1. Get passport
 1.1. Travel abroad someplace. Anyplace. 
2. Get tattoo on biceps 
  2.0. Get biceps to put tattoo on
3. Travel more than 10,000 kilometres
4. Buy camera
5. Grow beard, and sport sanyasi look for a week at least
6. Get invited to at least some 2012 New Year Party so that I won't be sitting at home writing shit again
7.  Put on atleast 10 kilos so that the sanyasin look won't scare people
8. Drink at least 4 times a month
9. Find a better place to live
10. Find some people to drink with on a regular basis
11. Think of more stuff to do.
12. Update this list throughout the course of the year. 


So there! Take that 2011. Fuck you too!
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Things you learn from a North Indian Wedding

Posted by Unknown
Thank you my brother. Thanks to you, I have learned some valuable lessons on life, weddings and life during weddings recently. 


Now. I don't like weddings. We Mallus have five minute weddings. As in, if you're not the groom or bride, the wedding basically is a five minute affair. Show up, smile at some people, go eat, and then go home.


I hate going to those! I hate all those relatives who come up to you, pinch your cheek and say: "Do you remember me?" I usually say: "No I don't." which is met with condescending looks from all around. It would eventually turn out that they last met me when I was a five month old baby in diapers.  


North Indian weddings, my friends, are sadly not that easy. The lessons I've learnt at the one I was at recently?


1. Be safe than very sorry
Never EVER get married to a North Indian girl. If you unfortunately happen to fall for one, make sure that she is not one of those who always dream of having a big wedding. 


2. Don't play Who's Boss?
Don't tell your parents that you're getting married, until after you're already  hitched. Unless of course, you willingly want to spend your time listening to, and being party to, the myriad efforts trying to out-do the other side. 


"They are coming in Volkswagen for the wedding, we'll hire BMW." "They bought new shoes from Bata? We'll atleast have to buy Luis Vutton!" Yes, you will feel like killing yourself after a couple of days of this. 


3. Beware of 'em relative folk
Do not force people into coming if they really are not up to it. Asking them to dress up and take part in customs they do not understand or endorse is only going to start a crib-match. Which you do not want to listen to. If you're related to them or not. 


At the reception, somebody said: "When you get hitched, don't go for somebody outside our fold. Going through all these customs is very difficult for us" I answered: "Even if I do or don't, you are not invited. There! Problem solved!" 


4. Horses don't dance
Sadly, people are expected to. Northies have this Baaraat thing where the groom (who got the rest of us into the mess) sits on a horse and his relatives are supposed to dance him from some kilometre or so away up till the wedding venue. 


Baaraat: Needed: Young relatives who have no shame. 
What we had: 40+ relatives who hadn't moved their upper body since 1974. 
Recipe for disaster.
What is worse than being the only guy in a young age bracket and having to do the honours of writhing uncontrollably to shitty music? Having to watch your older relatives try to follow suit. Trust me. Painful. Very. 


5. The law of Exchanges
Which, sadly, do not apply in the case of such weddings. Why do I propose this? Because of the needless amounts spent on things that go to waste or are not appreciated enough. 


For example, at this wedding, both the sides were expected to give each other kilos upon kilos of dry fruits. Nobody eats them (well perhaps maybe me. But I do have limits you know!) and they didn't seem to serve much of a purpose. 


Instead, why couldn't they just have called it even, and said: "OK. Let's just not buy any!"


The sides were also expected to give each other apparel. I caught disapproving looks on stage many a time as the gifts were given and received. Can't blame them. Can't blame myself actually. Pink really is NOT my colour. I mean, come on! Seriously?


Anyhow, going to one is enough to put one off marriages for the rest of his life. I still can't understand why we're struggling with a population problem!


(Images Courtesy: Talash.com, Indycarriage.com)
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