Showing posts with label fail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fail. Show all posts

The Man who will Martyrize my Inner-Wear

Posted by Unknown
I'm a very disappointed citizen of the Indian Union. What liberty does a citizen have when his very integrity is taken for a ride? What is the purpose of me voting for a new Government, or a new representative if they can't protect my freedom?

It all happened last Wednesday. My off day. The day I use to take care of my chores. And I did. Dutifully. Like any good citizen. I spent TWO long-drawn hours washing my clothes. And then another fifteen minutes, hanging them on the terrace of my apartment complex. Satisfied with my effort, I came back downstairs and had me a couple of beers. 

How was I to know that a heinous crime was being committed that very same night while I was happily drunk? 

For on Thursday morning, I was in for quite the shock. Up on the terrace, I surveyed the scene. 3 shirts: check. 2 Jeans: Check. 4 pair socks: Check. 4 pair underwear: Wait, what? 

ONLY THREE?? Who would do such a thing? And of all the colours the bastard could have chosen to steal, he stole the blue one! My favourite!

The police force doesn't care, of course. "Saar, enna saar?" they ask me quizzically. Yeah you bastard, you won't know how painful it is until you have yours stolen.

My landlord is not interested either. "I don't wear any," he said casually, thus absolving himself from the crime and distancing himself from a possible solution. Ah, can't blame the guy. It's not like I pay rent on time anyhow.

Are you laughing? I can almost hear your amusement as I type one long word after the other. How dare you? I'm the victim here. 


(In picture: What was lost. Item itself can't be seen because of kurta and jeans. But this picture comes closest.)

Disappointed and depressed, I mop around, until a friend says: "This is Indian my friend. Only one person can put your mind at ease."

Apparently, only one man can get things done in India, and that too, by means of blackmail terrorism. Some man by the name of Anna is the supreme exponent, says all the TV channels that I don't watch. And all the newspapers that I don't read. 

Men with strange names like Arnab and Rajdeep keep shouting the name over and over. On air. They keep cutting people off mid-sentence. Oh wait, I guess that was always there. 

Twitter trends, facebook pages, text messages. Anna, Anna, Anna. Who is this guy anyway? Can he do what nobody can?? Can he make sure that nobody else has to suffer the pain that I have suffered? Can he restore my lost honour??

And then I read up on it. Turns out, YES HE CAN!! This is a man who fights against the evil forces of corruption. The very force that was responsible for my current plight.

How you may ask? Well, every problem in India, as we all know, arises from corruption and 'em politicians. Silly little bastards. Yes, they're to blame. I'm sure you agree. 

This man wants to put in place another system. The Lokpal system which, they say, is incorruptible. If they say so, I will believe it. I'm an aam aadmi after all. What do I know of such things?

So I will stand with this man. I will go to the rallies they organize in his name. I will fast along with him, for a few hours at least. I will shamelessly blackmail the very people that I elected to represent me. 

Why? Fuck you! Why not? As long as I have someone to blame, somebody to support, some rally to go to to find more meaning in my own life, why SHOULD'NT I do it? 

When this man succeeds (everyone tells me he will), I will proudly stand along with him and be very happy with myself. And, by being part of this crusade, I would've made safe the future of the millions of underwear owners across the country. 

How, you ask? Of course you did. You ask too many fucking questions I say!!
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Traffic: The Things You Knew, But Didn't Say...

Posted by Unknown
Traffic is a great source of conversation now ain't it? Even a pathetically bad conversationalist such as me can sustain a conversation of traffic for well over 2 minutes! I know! Unbelievable right?

Though, while talking to people, I've noticed that most don't make interesting or very observant comments about traffic at all. Yet, I know that these are things that everybody knows, but never really say. So I figured I should do the honours.

Ok. Here goes. Things about traffic you always knew, but never really said out loud:

1. Auto Drivers always think that from all the horns blaring around them, none of them are aimed at them.

2. Car drivers hate Bike Riders while stuck in traffic because riders get to squeeze by more easily.

3. Bike riders hate Car Drivers because drivers get to sit in AC while they're out in the sun (rain, smoke, or dust)


4. Bus drivers are sadistic bastards since they don't have AC nor can they squeeze by. They purposefully squeeze you out of every inch of road you have if they can help it.

5. Just as the light turns green, there is that one last pedestrian fucker who always HAS to run in front of you just as you're taking off. Always!


6. Traffic Policemen are the most useless cadre of public servants ever. They don't do a good job with traffic control in the first place, AND they end up stopping all the sane riders, asking for papers and alcohol consumption details while the drunks, fanatics, racers and Ghost Riders fly around killing and maiming people.

I'm sure there are so many more patterns in the chaos that is traffic. I just remembered something about the Chaos Theory. Anyhow, there is sure to be part 2 for this. Keep reading. :)

(Image Courtesy: LiveChennai.com)
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This is Democracy!

Posted by Unknown
If it's really hot, and the sun is out, and it's noon, what do you NOT want? You Don't want unnecessary delays.

Yet today, I had to endure one. After finishing a meeting, me and a friend were walking back to the Bus Stand. There were Police Personnel lining the road and traffic was frozen on all sides.

Do keep in mind, this was during the final phases of the morning rush hour, and there was a mountain of traffic  piled up in all directions. For a moment, I was glad I did not take my bike. Yet, I had thought too soon.

We were walking along the side of the road, when this cop asks us to stop and wait. I ask "Why?" And he shouted back: "Just wait." Gee, you're asking me to wait in the glaring sun in the middle of nowhere at noon on a shit all hot day, the least you could do is extend some fucking courtesy.
Anyhow, we wait. Then we figured out what was happening. The Chief Minister was passing by. His motorcade rolls by eventually, and then everybody is allowed to unfreeze again. After HALF AN HOUR!

Precious time has been lost, pandemonium breaks out, bottles of water are sweated out by us poor souls who are out in the sun, and not in the AC comfort of a luxury car.

This is democracy! We elect these people, and yet we suffer endlessly because of them. I've seen this in many places, and I still don't get it. Politicians are the representatives of the people, they are supposed to serve the people. Having said all that, how come rush hour and traffic are not applicable to them?

My friend told me that there was nothing than anybody could do. "These people are too powerful. The cops HAVE to do what they say. So can't blame them either."

Yeah. I'm one among those who are part of the world's largest democracy. And look what I get for it.

(Image Courtesy: Chennaiplus.net)
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