The Jinxability Blog

It happened in December. Suddenly, I couldn't sleep. I was an insomniac. 


Such a chronic one that it started scaring my friends. Some asked me to count sheep, others asked me see a doctor. One advised me to get drunk and pass out. 


The last one, actually, was the only plan that worked for me. 


I blamed it on my job. The hours. The lack of hours. The timings. The lack of timing, rather. 




It went on for three months. The constant tiredness. Nodding off in the bus, five minutes before the stop where I would have to get down. Then the long and painful nights, some of whom were used for constructive purposes; but mostly whittled away wondering what was wrong with me and how to fix it. 


Then suddenly, towards the end of April, it all went back to normal. Eight hours a day. And everyday at that. 


The results: Fell behind on my reading, fell behind on my to-watch list, couldn't run in the mornings anymore, got increasingly more bored in office, started waking up early, started getting to office early, bus rides became longer, train rides became insufferable, sounds were clearer and more deafening etc etc. 


Today. I haven't slept yet. 

The results: Went for a walk, started reading again (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo), sat up and thought about writing about this, sat up and wrote about this, made myself breakfast, read the paper, didn't count sheep, finished watching a series that I had wanted to watch. Oh I don't know. 




If those sheep and doctors had done any permanent damage to me, I wouldn't be writing this. 


I can complain I guess. And I probably will also. But have to admit, being an insomniac is probably one of the best things that can happen to somebody. Imagine all the extra hours you get!


(Image courtesy: http://bioweb.uwlax.edu)

Yes. I work at a good enough place. Good enough for them to send me to Australia for three days.

Now. I've never been to Australia before, or anywhere else outside India for that matter. Hell, I just got my passport a couple of months back as part of my ground-breaking Project MMXI. 


So it was that one fine night, I got to Brisbane airport.


First impression: Looks like a nice place. (Day 1, 2031 hrs, Location: Airport/On road to Caloundra)




Why? People smile at you. The roads are clean. There is this strange silence that I've never experienced before. What IS that? Then it hits me! Nobody here honks!

Yes goddammit! You heard me, people there don't honk. They put on their indicators, stick to their lanes and let other people pass by. Fucking brilliant I say!


Second impression: I could live here. (Day 2, 0843 hrs, Location: Breakfast buffet @ Oasis Rdyges Hotel, Caloundra.)



 What more could you ask for? The people are nice, the weather is nice, there is a beach nearby, and the beach has benches where you can sit and forget everything! 


And the food. Steak and bacon and hash browns and (sigh)... Here, I might actually put on some weight for once!


A dream come true for any lazy ass. 


Third impression: They'll kill me if I stay here too long (Day 2, mid-morning to late night, Location: In and around Caloundra.)




Ah, you don't know what it is like when you hear it on TV, or watch in that movie. Being in the moment while you're being racially abused, well, is.. you know, funny!


Disclaimer: I DO NOT take pride in being an Indian, or being brown skinned, or being born a Hindu etc. I also DO NOT aspire to or want to be like an Aussie, American, Espanyolish Amigo or haughty Englishman. 


Hence, I really do not get racism.

I found it funny that these people were so quick to judge me, shout at me, wave their fingers (read finger) at me and stare at me without even giving me a chance. I mean, who's the bigger man here? Me, and I never would've thought that I would have the privilege! So there!


Fourth impression: No place is perfect I suppose. (Day 3 + Day 3 and 1/2, Location: Caloundra/Brisbane.)





Look at us in India. We can barely put up with each other. We have stereotypes about language, tradition and all that nonsense. 


Now. You take the same people, put them in a different continent, and have them give shit to the local population. What do you get? Racism of course. Aussie people, I do understand how you feel about my brethren. 


It's just sad that you thought I was one of the multitudes. You can obviously tell from my aura of awesomeness that I'm different. Then why?!


But. In the end, I suppose you're never comfortable with any place. There are assholes everywhere. Question you've to ask is whether you're willing to put up with all of them just to be there. 


Is the bacon and steak really worth it? Is the lack of sound pollution worth it? Are the pretty women worth it? 


Questions, confounding questions. 

Truth be told, I wish I was not the person who was destined to write this series. But, after all the shit that this friend of mine gets into, I can no longer sit by idly and not write about it.

Thank you my brother. Thanks to you, I have learned some valuable lessons on life, weddings and life during weddings recently. 


Now. I don't like weddings. We Mallus have five minute weddings. As in, if you're not the groom or bride, the wedding basically is a five minute affair. Show up, smile at some people, go eat, and then go home.


I hate going to those! I hate all those relatives who come up to you, pinch your cheek and say: "Do you remember me?" I usually say: "No I don't." which is met with condescending looks from all around. It would eventually turn out that they last met me when I was a five month old baby in diapers.  


North Indian weddings, my friends, are sadly not that easy. The lessons I've learnt at the one I was at recently?


1. Be safe than very sorry
Never EVER get married to a North Indian girl. If you unfortunately happen to fall for one, make sure that she is not one of those who always dream of having a big wedding. 


2. Don't play Who's Boss?
Don't tell your parents that you're getting married, until after you're already  hitched. Unless of course, you willingly want to spend your time listening to, and being party to, the myriad efforts trying to out-do the other side. 


"They are coming in Volkswagen for the wedding, we'll hire BMW." "They bought new shoes from Bata? We'll atleast have to buy Luis Vutton!" Yes, you will feel like killing yourself after a couple of days of this. 


3. Beware of 'em relative folk
Do not force people into coming if they really are not up to it. Asking them to dress up and take part in customs they do not understand or endorse is only going to start a crib-match. Which you do not want to listen to. If you're related to them or not. 


At the reception, somebody said: "When you get hitched, don't go for somebody outside our fold. Going through all these customs is very difficult for us" I answered: "Even if I do or don't, you are not invited. There! Problem solved!" 


4. Horses don't dance
Sadly, people are expected to. Northies have this Baaraat thing where the groom (who got the rest of us into the mess) sits on a horse and his relatives are supposed to dance him from some kilometre or so away up till the wedding venue. 


Baaraat: Needed: Young relatives who have no shame. 
What we had: 40+ relatives who hadn't moved their upper body since 1974. 
Recipe for disaster.
What is worse than being the only guy in a young age bracket and having to do the honours of writhing uncontrollably to shitty music? Having to watch your older relatives try to follow suit. Trust me. Painful. Very. 


5. The law of Exchanges
Which, sadly, do not apply in the case of such weddings. Why do I propose this? Because of the needless amounts spent on things that go to waste or are not appreciated enough. 


For example, at this wedding, both the sides were expected to give each other kilos upon kilos of dry fruits. Nobody eats them (well perhaps maybe me. But I do have limits you know!) and they didn't seem to serve much of a purpose. 


Instead, why couldn't they just have called it even, and said: "OK. Let's just not buy any!"


The sides were also expected to give each other apparel. I caught disapproving looks on stage many a time as the gifts were given and received. Can't blame them. Can't blame myself actually. Pink really is NOT my colour. I mean, come on! Seriously?


Anyhow, going to one is enough to put one off marriages for the rest of his life. I still can't understand why we're struggling with a population problem!


(Images Courtesy: Talash.com, Indycarriage.com)

I have two kinds of days. No matter how much I try, it is always either one or the other. 
It is either an On-Day, or it is an Off-Day




4:00 a.m.
What else do I do now? C'mon think of something. Get off your ass! Jeez!
Why am I even up at this time?


9:00 a.m.
Oh I'm up early. Have to get things done. 
I hate you sunlight. Fish you God!


11:30 a.m.
This and that and that is done. I feel happy about myself. 
*Drools* Say what? 


1.00 p.m.
Now I will have lunch!
I should probably brush my teeth. 


3:00 p.m.
Get on train, go for work. Awesome!
I should probably get out of bed now. #fml! 




5:00 p.m.
Work is awesome! They'll probably promote me if I work this hard!
What's the point? I'll die an old man doing the same job. Why God, why?


9:00 p.m.
I belong here don't I? I could work like this without taking an off for days at end. 
I need a vacation. I need a camera. I need a car. When is the pay-day again?


10:30 p.m.
Time to leave already? But, but, there is nothing to do at home!
Gawd! I thought this would never end. Home sweet home. Well not quite, but atleast it's quiet. 


11:30 p.m. 
This movie, that movie. Book. This one, that one. I'm hungry. What restaurant will be open now? 
What movie have I seen, does not require me to think, and is fun? Damn, I'm hungry. 


2:00 a.m.
I should go to sleep shouldn't I? Will wake up early and have another awesome day tomorrow. 
What's the point. No sunlight. Awesome time to be up. Yayy!


4:00 a.m. 
What's the point? Why am I even up at this time?
Alright enough! Get up off your ass NOW!


(Image Courtesy: antonylowe.wordpress.com)

Team work is never a problem until you get to work with the shittiest team there ever was. Now what if you're the team leader and you're expected to deliver results?

So what do you do? The way I saw it, there are two options.

Option no 1: Sit back, relax, do a bit of pointless facebooking, be at the receiving end of some bollocking and the wait until somebody says : "Ok, dude, we're in. Let's get to work on this."

Option no 2: Tell yourself: "I have never gone behind schedule. Nor have I not completed anything that I was given. I'll do this myself and prove a point even if no one is willing to work with me."

Now, if you are one of those idiots who picked Option no 2, listen up very carefully. This is the best advice you'll ever get:

DON'T.


You see, at my illustrious college, we were given one such assignment. A website it was. I put my heart and soul into it, spent one sleepless week on it, went to the verge of a nervous breakdown, lost quite a bit of hair on my forehead and had frequent fights with almost everybody who I could afford to have a fight with.

A couple of months on, the grades come. And I got a lesser grade while the assholes who sat in class facebooking (If they did show up for class that is) and ran around doing nothing actually did better than me.

Result: Depression, verge of another nervous breakdown, anger, rash riding (on Hero Honda Splendour, but rash riding nonetheless) and another set of fights.

But I'm the more lucky kind I guess, I fought for it and actually got some semblance of justice from my illustrious faculty.

If you're one of those idiots who picked no: 2 as well, my big brother's words should sum it up for you: "It's your fault too. You encouraged free riding. You can't really blame anyone!"

Lesson learnt. The hard way.

Note to self: NEVER encourage free riding!

PS: Faculty people, if you're reading this, as you already guessed this is a pure work of fiction. Obviously. Y'all are like the greatest people ever to have walked these corridors. You wouldn't do something as grossly stupid and biassed like this now, would you?

(Image Courtesy: Foundshit.com)

When you get to a new place I guess, at first, you only notice the bad things about that place. You don't start noticing the good things until you move away perhaps.. 


I've been in Chennai for 8 months now.. And yesterday I was thinking what all the city needed to learn before, for example, some big event came to it's doorsteps.. Like say, the Olympics, or the FIFA World Cup (yeah host nations qualify automatically.. :P)


Anyhow, disclaimer: I DO NOT mean to imply that all Chennaites have character disorders and are total snobs.. I do run into some genuinely nice people everyday. Like the lady at the provision store nearby, who has in all probability never attended school, yet attempts to talk to me in English.. But their charm is overshadowed and shit upon because of what the Snob minority does.. 




So, a few kind words (read constructive criticism) for the Snob population of Chennai:


1. A Red Light usually means stop your damn car. It DOES NOT MEAN:
     a) A game of dodge-the-pedestrians has just started,
     b) That it will change to green if you lean on your horn for two minutes.
     c) That pedestrians are purposefully crossing the road to make YOU late for work


2. A Zebra crossing (I've provided image below for reference) is a place where people CROSS the road. Yes, not everybody has a car like you. Please bear with us. We're trying to get there.




And, at a Zebra crossing, the pedestrian has first preference. You're sitting in the AC comfort of your car, we're out in the sun. At least try to be a bit more considerate, and brake down from 90 to 30. You'll only lose 5 seconds at the most. 


3. Anybody who does not speak Tamil is NOT the Arch Enemy of the Tamil Empire and all the glory that Tamil people stand for. And yes, anybody who does not speak Tamil is also not always a North Indian.. (I don't speak Hindi that well either.)


4. Nope. Mallus don't speak Tamil. 


5. Do make an effort at times to NOT be Obnoxious. Nobody will think you're a sissy if you're nice to somebody. It actually makes the other person feel better. YES, I'm NOT kidding! 


6. When you're talking to somebody who is standing right next to you, try to keep your voice below 120 Decibels. Also a very valid point when it comes to talking on the phone. Especially valid if you're talking on the phone INSIDE a bus! 


7. Try not to shit, spit and urinate EVERYWHERE. If natures calls that bad, find a clump of trees, not the middle of the road. 


This is just some of the things I thought somebody should say to these folks. The Nice people reading this, who are from Chennai, don't be demoralised.. If it weren't for you, and if it was just THEM here, most people woulda packed up and made a run for their lives.. You make this city bearable.. Thank you... :)


(Images Courtesy: lovethatfeeling.com, bloguerrilla.it)

I realized suddenly that I hadn't blogged in some time. Then I told myself, that's probably due to the fact that you've been travelling a lot. 


Traveled how much? I figured I should find the distance between places and then collate them all together. I was pretty sure I would find some tool to do that online. 


And here are the search results. Turns out, all of them turned out to be utterly useless. 






Why?


1. Google Maps only give you straight line distances, and it's too much of a hassle to actually sit and trace the outline of highways. (Yes, I'm not THAT jobless!)


2. The 'I-make-your-job-easy' place to place distance calculators were good, but for the fact that they did not have two cities I traveled to listed. Mananthavady in Wyanad and Gokharna in Karnataka (towns, cities, what's the difference anyhow?!) But they did have distances for journeys like Cochin - Chennai, Chennai - Bangalore etc. 


In the end, desperate and as jobless as I was, I decided to resort to the one thing that has got me past countless Math exams (barely).


Guesswork. 


So, (drumroll), the final answer would seem to be that I have traveled 3438 Kilometers in the last month. It might not seem much, but it's a first for me anyhow.


To put some perspective on that distance, supposing I was a bird, and at Kanyakumari, if I had flown North, I'd have gone past Kashmir if I had traveled the same distance. (Yeah I know, birds fly South this time of the year, but hey, what kinda bird writes blog posts anyhow!)


(Image Courtesy : wikimedia.org)

What's about being in a deprived group of people? The deprivation brings you closer together I suppose. That was my experience from my 2 years at St. Mary's Poojapura. It was to prove right again.

There were people I didn't like. People I couldn't see eye to eye with (both literally and figuratively) But all that pales in comparison when you remember the nights of fun and alcohol on the terrace.

My roomies, at first, did not seem like very cool people. One looked like a terrorist on the loose, and another looked like he had an obsession with carrying suitcases.

We were the first one to arrive at the Villa. We kept thinking to ourselves that we'd suffer a lot here.

Time was to prove us right. Illness, Hunger, Rain, Wading through muck among other things. It seemed at one point that the folks at the hostel would do their course requirement Covering Deprivation trip by visiting the Villa. But we managed to pull through.

There are heroes of the Villa that I need to talk about. That'll come later.

For now, it's suffice to say that, in life, there are people around, who'll help you pull through every passing day, no matter how hard it gets.

This post is dedicated to the Vociferous Villans. Cheers guys :D

(Image Courtesy: apfn.org)