The Jinxability Blog

** Disclaimer: This post will in all possibility contain random outbursts of anger, offensive language and indecent references. If you are a minor under adult supervision, read and use as you see fit. **


FUCK YOU!


Ha! Felt good to start with that one. :) You see, when this month started, all I had was a challenge and a new cycle. 


This month ends with a less-new cycle, valuable lessons about myself learned, a target achieved and the satisfaction of spitting in the faces of you nay-sayers. 


If you're reading this, you know what this is all about. My project for the month of June. 1ooo kilometers. 


It gives me quite a lot of pleasure to tell you that the target has been met. Two days before the close of the month. (In 23 days, to be more precise)


As for you fuckers who said that I'd vanish into thin air, or that I'd go into the 2D mode of existence, or that I wouldn't get past 500, or that it was a stupid pursuit: Well, the longest of my fingers stands straight in defiance to your quirks and pessimism. The opening two words of this post was JUST FOR YOU! Enjaay!






It wasn't easy. It was raining at times. Sweltering hot otherwise. But, to be frank, more than the people who were supporting me, it was you, the people who weren't and the people who were saying I couldn't do it, that drove me on most of the time. So yeah, do need to thank you as well.

Anyhow, find the figures here.


Oh, and to the folks who were supporting me! THANK YOU! The support kilometers I had to do for you was the best part of the month!  Felt good doing it! :D


Meanwhile, Zen and the Art of Bicycle Perseverance continues right here on this blog.. Come back and visit to find out more about what to do when some fucking moron runs you off the road..

Until then, ride hard, don't take shit from anyone, and complete your projects. Jr out!

She had her eyes trained on me. All eight of them. For a moment, I was lost.

Do I let go off my bike handle bars, swat the damn thing away; or do I keep on riding, stop somewhere safe and then make sure that I don't become as big a pathetic loser as that Spiderman freak.

Option 1, sounded better. SWAT! Spider gone. I'm safe.

With new found confidence, there rose an anger. I looked toward the source from which this not-so-radioactive arachnid sprang hence. A garbage truck. As it braked, and then accelerated, and then braked again in the noon traffic on Sardar Patel Road, bits and pieces were showered on those unfortunate enough to be riding anywhere close to it.


Which took me back to another incident a week or so back. Riding back from office late at night, I ended up behind a truck that was carrying rubble of some sort. Concrete that was dug up from somewhere. Presumably a good-looking road.

As I came up behind, the flap was lifted off by the wind, and I was showered with debris. The bike started wobbling after it went over a few stones that were being sprayed onto the road. Weirdly, it reminded me of an action sequence from some Will Smith movie. Bad Boyz I think. Dunno.

Anyhow, point is, half the stuff that these idiots carry end up on the road. Another reason why our roads aren't so great. I mean, in a way, it makes sense. If you're carrying things that people don't really WANT, such as garbage or rubble, who cares if it reaches the end-point or not right?

Well, I care you fucking morons. You fuck up my eyes, you screwed up my tyres, you almost made me into fucking Spiderman!

I think the folks that pass all those unnecessary laws should enforce some rule enforcing condoms on the back of trucks. Desired results:

1. Less number of freaks running around in tights,
2. Road safety;
3. Something to do for those damn traffic cops, other than terrorizing little-to-blame sane riders.

Just saying.

What do you do when you see something that you have an opinion on, and then you realize that your opinion doesn't count for shit, and that nobody is going to pay attention to it? You tag it with #justsaying. (Sorry, Twitter Hang-over :|) To get to it:

Metro rail travel might not be that popular in Chennai, but as I've been finding out over the last week or so, it is the most economical, fast and least hazardous mode of travel. One drawback: it only  traverses two routes. I hear seven routes will be up by the end of 2014.

Anyhow, to get to the point. Every time I walk into a metro station to catch a train, one thought is predominant in my mind: What a colossal waste of space!

What have the true stories of Spiderman, Batman, Superman and Wonderwoman taught us? 
That superheroes dress so gay? Yes, you're right. But besides that, they've also taught us that one man/woman CAN make a difference, and so totally kick ass at it. (which reminds me, MUST check out this movie).


Now, I don't have radioactive spiders, Kryptonite or power-hungry freaks in my life. Oh wait, I do have power-hungry freaks in my life, but they're not as irritating as warrants an ass-kicking. 


What though is irritating me most these days is riding in Chennai. Chennai has a different set of riding/driving etiquette(or lacks it rather!) that just gets on my nerves. Hence I figured someone should do something about it. 


Point number 1:
In Cochin, where I come from, if you're stranded somewhere with no bus, no auto fare and no friends to pick you up, what do you do? You stick your hand out and ask someone for a ride. And you get one too, guaranteed! 



In Chennai though, NEVER have I seen anybody offering a hitchhiker a ride. Not that nobody asks for it. People just don't stop. And may I add, it's very rude to the hitchhiker if you blow by and pretend that you did not see anything. I have had it done to me before on countless times, trust me. 


Point number 2:
Why can't these Coco Cola (another word for which is __) sucking bastards NEVER use their dim lights? You perfect-eyesight-fucks might not realize it, but especially people with glasses are effectively rendered blind when you shine your high-ass-beam at their eyeballs. 
Combined damage as a result of your high beams is me having to replace my bike's shocks after falling into too many holes. 


The Campaign
They say one man can't make a difference, huh? So be it. They were probably right, but I'm still gonna try my hand at reforming these manner-less pigs of drivers. 


Point number 1 shall be addressed by giving rides to anybody who asks for it, anywhere anytime. As of now, I don't intend to force anybody else to give rides, but hopefully the example will suffice. If you see a 6foot4 guy on a Midnight Blue/Skyblue Splendor with Kerala plates, and if you need a ride, don't hesitate to stick your hand out! :D


Point number 2 shall be addressed by a combination of hand-signals and shouting. On a dark night (or not), if you see a tall rider approaching from the opposite side, and making hand gestures (opening and closing palm) combined with a fair bit of shouting, which, even though he whooshed by, sounded a lot like "Fyakyoomadafakkaaa..", then, he was not commenting on  your wife's boobs (which may or may not be good), he was just asking you to switch to your dim lights once in a while. 

This is as much a poll as it is a post. I have a question to ask. How many of you have been happy with the weather for a period longer than, say a week? Or a month?

I don't know if it's exclusively a Chennai phenomenon or not. But it seems that I'm incapable of being happy about the weather for more than two days at most.

After a grueling summer, which included endless traffic at noon and buckets full of sweat, the words on everybody's lips ranged from 'respite' to 'rain' to 'mercy' to 'Sambar'. (Yes, that last word has nothing to do with weather. But this is Chennai you know! We love our Sambar!)


I was no different. I wanted to ride through Anna Salai at noon and not feel sorry about it. I wanted to drink less than 10 gallons of water everyday. I wanted to not dread power cuts and not depend on ACs (which I don't own).

And then it finally rained in Chennai on Sunday. I was happy. I got drenched a bit. Everybody was smiling. It was almost like it was wine, not water that was falling from the Sky.

Yet.

Today it rained again. I'm no longer happy.

Because it means:
1. Now I've to make my way through endless roads streaked with puddles, of which some are capable of drowning a full grown man.

2. Riding is no longer that much fun. It's cold. You've to pull on raincoats (Which I haven't bought yet). And it's not fun to get drenched and then go freeze your ass off in the office AC.

3. You don't feel like getting out of bed anymore. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but considering this is only my second week at a new job, I'm thinking it's a bad thing.

Anyhow, I suppose this is just a passing shower. Soon, November shall come. (sigh)

(Images Courtesy: Cj.Ibnlive.com.in, chennaiplus.net)

Traffic is a great source of conversation now ain't it? Even a pathetically bad conversationalist such as me can sustain a conversation of traffic for well over 2 minutes! I know! Unbelievable right?

Though, while talking to people, I've noticed that most don't make interesting or very observant comments about traffic at all. Yet, I know that these are things that everybody knows, but never really say. So I figured I should do the honours.

Ok. Here goes. Things about traffic you always knew, but never really said out loud:

1. Auto Drivers always think that from all the horns blaring around them, none of them are aimed at them.

2. Car drivers hate Bike Riders while stuck in traffic because riders get to squeeze by more easily.

3. Bike riders hate Car Drivers because drivers get to sit in AC while they're out in the sun (rain, smoke, or dust)


4. Bus drivers are sadistic bastards since they don't have AC nor can they squeeze by. They purposefully squeeze you out of every inch of road you have if they can help it.

5. Just as the light turns green, there is that one last pedestrian fucker who always HAS to run in front of you just as you're taking off. Always!


6. Traffic Policemen are the most useless cadre of public servants ever. They don't do a good job with traffic control in the first place, AND they end up stopping all the sane riders, asking for papers and alcohol consumption details while the drunks, fanatics, racers and Ghost Riders fly around killing and maiming people.

I'm sure there are so many more patterns in the chaos that is traffic. I just remembered something about the Chaos Theory. Anyhow, there is sure to be part 2 for this. Keep reading. :)

(Image Courtesy: LiveChennai.com)

If it's really hot, and the sun is out, and it's noon, what do you NOT want? You Don't want unnecessary delays.

Yet today, I had to endure one. After finishing a meeting, me and a friend were walking back to the Bus Stand. There were Police Personnel lining the road and traffic was frozen on all sides.

Do keep in mind, this was during the final phases of the morning rush hour, and there was a mountain of traffic  piled up in all directions. For a moment, I was glad I did not take my bike. Yet, I had thought too soon.

We were walking along the side of the road, when this cop asks us to stop and wait. I ask "Why?" And he shouted back: "Just wait." Gee, you're asking me to wait in the glaring sun in the middle of nowhere at noon on a shit all hot day, the least you could do is extend some fucking courtesy.
Anyhow, we wait. Then we figured out what was happening. The Chief Minister was passing by. His motorcade rolls by eventually, and then everybody is allowed to unfreeze again. After HALF AN HOUR!

Precious time has been lost, pandemonium breaks out, bottles of water are sweated out by us poor souls who are out in the sun, and not in the AC comfort of a luxury car.

This is democracy! We elect these people, and yet we suffer endlessly because of them. I've seen this in many places, and I still don't get it. Politicians are the representatives of the people, they are supposed to serve the people. Having said all that, how come rush hour and traffic are not applicable to them?

My friend told me that there was nothing than anybody could do. "These people are too powerful. The cops HAVE to do what they say. So can't blame them either."

Yeah. I'm one among those who are part of the world's largest democracy. And look what I get for it.

(Image Courtesy: Chennaiplus.net)

When you get to a new place I guess, at first, you only notice the bad things about that place. You don't start noticing the good things until you move away perhaps.. 


I've been in Chennai for 8 months now.. And yesterday I was thinking what all the city needed to learn before, for example, some big event came to it's doorsteps.. Like say, the Olympics, or the FIFA World Cup (yeah host nations qualify automatically.. :P)


Anyhow, disclaimer: I DO NOT mean to imply that all Chennaites have character disorders and are total snobs.. I do run into some genuinely nice people everyday. Like the lady at the provision store nearby, who has in all probability never attended school, yet attempts to talk to me in English.. But their charm is overshadowed and shit upon because of what the Snob minority does.. 




So, a few kind words (read constructive criticism) for the Snob population of Chennai:


1. A Red Light usually means stop your damn car. It DOES NOT MEAN:
     a) A game of dodge-the-pedestrians has just started,
     b) That it will change to green if you lean on your horn for two minutes.
     c) That pedestrians are purposefully crossing the road to make YOU late for work


2. A Zebra crossing (I've provided image below for reference) is a place where people CROSS the road. Yes, not everybody has a car like you. Please bear with us. We're trying to get there.




And, at a Zebra crossing, the pedestrian has first preference. You're sitting in the AC comfort of your car, we're out in the sun. At least try to be a bit more considerate, and brake down from 90 to 30. You'll only lose 5 seconds at the most. 


3. Anybody who does not speak Tamil is NOT the Arch Enemy of the Tamil Empire and all the glory that Tamil people stand for. And yes, anybody who does not speak Tamil is also not always a North Indian.. (I don't speak Hindi that well either.)


4. Nope. Mallus don't speak Tamil. 


5. Do make an effort at times to NOT be Obnoxious. Nobody will think you're a sissy if you're nice to somebody. It actually makes the other person feel better. YES, I'm NOT kidding! 


6. When you're talking to somebody who is standing right next to you, try to keep your voice below 120 Decibels. Also a very valid point when it comes to talking on the phone. Especially valid if you're talking on the phone INSIDE a bus! 


7. Try not to shit, spit and urinate EVERYWHERE. If natures calls that bad, find a clump of trees, not the middle of the road. 


This is just some of the things I thought somebody should say to these folks. The Nice people reading this, who are from Chennai, don't be demoralised.. If it weren't for you, and if it was just THEM here, most people woulda packed up and made a run for their lives.. You make this city bearable.. Thank you... :)


(Images Courtesy: lovethatfeeling.com, bloguerrilla.it)

Yes, it's no secret that V-Day can be very irritating and might get on your nerves. Cracked.com's detailed survey and resultant graph are proof of this..

V-Day could also suck because:
1. You might forget.
2. You might not like getting messages all day.
3. You might not be a 'lovey-dovey' person.
4. You might not have a girlfriend/boyfriend.
5. You might have a girlfriend/boyfriend who expects you to send flowers on V-day.
6. You might get married to your sister/brother if you live in religion infested areas.
7. You might not have a credit card.
8. You might have friends who have girlfriends and credit cards.
9. You might get mail forwards that make you wish the internet was never invented.
And of course, my personal favourite:
10. You might live in Chennai and it might not be a cloudy day..

(Image Courtesy: www.nolimits2life.com)

What's with doctors and hospital people that makes them think they're better than us?

Just because they were better than me at academics they're better than me? Just because they wrote the Medical entrance exam that I didn't write because I overslept they can look down on me? Just because they spent five years (possibly more these days) gobbling down theory when I was playing truant in college they can talk down to me?

Hospitals have been and always will be dark, mysterious and rude places.


Last evening, with fever, sinusitis, a bad cough and breathing difficulties, against all my better instincts, I decided to go down that lane. I had a strange sense of foreboding that I chose to ignore. When you're unwell, and your head seems to be splitting at the middle with pain, you do tend to do that.

Nearest hospital? Padmapriya Multi-speciality hospital. Yeah, don't get me started on the name.

Reception: 6 pm
Jr: I need to see a General Physician.
Obnoxious Receptionist: That dwaar, saar. Please, wyait on thwase chairs.

6:30: Chair. Waiting. Two more people to go before my turn.

7:00: My turn about to arrive finally.

7:01: My turn arrives, but an elderly woman jumps up and runs inside, before I can get up. (sigh)

7:15: Elderly woman goes out. Another one prepares to cut line and jump inside. I stop this one.
"Ma'am, it's my turn"
"Enna, sonna ...... (unintelligible Tamil) pongo."
(sigh) I sit down and wait again.

7:30: Young woman sitting beside me who came way after I did, thinks she can jump line too. I don't think so.
"Ma'am, I came before you, so I'm going in."
"Waaat? NOOOOO! Yai caim yearlier, yai was shitting dayar, yai sva you kyaming yin."
"No you didn't. And no matter what, I'm going in next. And that's it."
"Yask tha reesheshpen who kyaim farst!"

Reception: 7:31:
"Can't you have a damn token system or something here so that the patients won't fight amongst themselves? Is this what you call professionalism? Is this how you damn run a hospital" (the headache was getting to me)
Obnoxious Receptionist: "Waat saaar? Adjust, no? Wait for some more time, no? Waat, no?"
" I've been waiting since 6! You gonna treat me or should I go somewhere else?"
(politeness out of nowhere, suddenly) "Er, saar. Please take a seat. I'll talk to the necessary pyeepyal."


7:35: Still waiting.
Well Dressed Man: (Strides up) "What's your problem, sir?"
Me: "Your hospital is not pro enough. You've got patients fighting amongst themselves coz you don't have a damn token system. That's  my goddamn problem."
WDM: "Er, I mean, sir, I'm the doctor. What's your medical problem?"
Me: (sigh) "If you aren't wearing the coat or the stethescope thing, at least introduce yourself next time. Ok, my problems are..."

First BP test: 140/90
Injection that hurts, that took several attempts.
Second BP: 120/90
Doc: "See? Your BP has come down now. You shouldn't have so much BP."
Me: "Whose fault is that?"
Doc: "Er, well, let me explain the medicines I'm about to prescribe to you.. You can take the rest of it up with our hospital management staff, they're waiting for you outside.

Outside: 10 mins later.
No Hospital Management Staff. I'll probably have to wait for them too.
(sigh) I walk out.

(Images Courtesy: buycostumes.com)

It's been a very long time since page has been lying around like this, but this being the inauguration, let me not go into that.